Every Saturday, Louison puts herself in the shoes of a personality who made the news and imagines her logbook.
Monday April 25
Like every morning, I watch the news on one of the twelve telephones that I always keep close to me, in case I lose one, or eleven, or in case I have to wedge a slightly wobbly table in the restaurant, or buy a somewhat wonky restaurant chain, just in case. And so I saw between two videos of pandas sniffing their own farts, that President Macron was re-elected last night. At first I thought it was a macaroon that had won, so I foolishly bought Ladurée. And the almonds. Yeah, all the almonds. Then I bought the town of Mâcon. And then I found my glasses. Am so happy for him, and I’m going to send him a DM to find out if by any chance I can buy the Élysée Palace. I need a place to store my ski stuff. And store macaroons.
Tuesday April 26
SO SORRY I’M GOING TO SPEAK A LITTLE LOUD TODAY, BUT I LAUNCHED A ROCKET IN MY GARDEN THIS MORNING AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO COVER MY EARS DURING LAUNCH. LIKE WHAT MONEY DOESN’T BUY EVERYTHING HUH? NO JUST KIDDING I BOUGHT AN ENT, IT SHOULD BE DELIVERED BY TONIGHT, BECAUSE I HAVE THE AMAZON PRIME SUBSCRIPTION, FAILURE TO HAVE AMAZON BECAUSE JEFF HE REFUSES TO SELL IT TO ME BECAUSE HE IS JEALOUS BECAUSE I HAVE THE BIGGEST ROCKET FIRST. LASTLY BRIEF AS IT’S SCHOOL HOLIDAYS, IF YOU EVER WANT TO OCCUPANCY WITH YOUR CHILDREN, I RECOMMEND THE TAKE-OFFS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN. GOOD OF COURSE IT NEEDS A GARDEN. AND CHILDREN. I HAVE FULL OF IT. AND THEY ALL HAVE CRACKED NAMES. I THINK THEY WOULD PREFER TO BE GARDENS.
Wednesday April 27
Finally the ENT was delivered without batteries, so I was too lazy to order batteries, so I had autonomous eardrums from my brand of smart cars, Tesla, grafted into my ears and it’s quite nice, super practical, except that there is a bug and sometimes I hear Celine Dion. But OK. It could be worse and I could hear the list of arguments from all these politicians who for two days have been convinced that they are the best to replace Jean Castex. While it’s not hard to do better, you just have to know where you put your glasses. Even Manuel Valls, when he has finished embedding himself in the photos on the days of victory, will be able to SEEK YOUR HEART IF YOU TAKE IT ELSEWHERE, EVEN IF IN YOUR DANCES OTHERS DANCE HOURS.
Thursday April 28
Haaaaaan the draw!!! Haaaaaaan the little zizi!!! Pfffff too many balls, too many glands and too many boogers hanging. Joe Biden he has just asked the US Congress to send 33 billion dollars in aid to Ukraine. Pffff, what a sucker. But my poor Jojo, with 33 billion you’re not going to help the Ukrainians do much, since they won’t even be able to redeem themselves on Twitter. Pfffff as if it was a people who hadn’t suffered enough like that? Frankly with 33 billion, what are they going to do? Redeem the Copains d’avant site and all the YouTube rights to Larusso’s videos? Do you think that exile, the nuclear threat and the barbarity of war, it was not enough like that? Should Larusso be added? Go ahead and keep your spare change in your piggy bank or go buy Carambars with it and let the grown-ups play with their rocket and their blue pioupiou. Pffff 33 billion…
Friday April 29
I’m disgusted, I just saw that I had missed the world day of remembrance of the victims of the deportation of the 27th. What was the hashtag? Why wasn’t it in the trending topics between two pandas videos? Is it the algorithm that’s screwing up? Will I have to change that too when I arrive, in addition to the “edit” button? It will be super fun this first meeting at the head of the company where I will announce “hey guys, for Twitter you put me less pandas and more Shoah”. Nah I’m kidding, I like pandas too much and I don’t want to upset the fachos. Free speech is free speech huh. Business is business above all. Speaking of business, I have to leave you, I have to make a twelve figure offer on the oil, on the sunflower, on the yellow plastic bottles, and on the fries. Yeah, all the fries.
Hello poor people!